It finally came.  After all those years of pre-senioritis and wanting the get out of my house, college finally arrived.  I am loving every minute of it! =]  Well not every minute, there were some bad parts.  Haha.  But basically I moved in like 2 weeks ago.  My dorm is really shitty and we don't have A/C but it's actually been working out ok.  With our fans and the slowly decreasing temperatures, I've only been really uncomfortable like 2 or 3 nights.  The roommate...haha.  That's a complicated subject.  I def. got the right impression with the frat boy.  He's come home drunk a couple of times so far, one time in which he had to be carried in.  But he apologizes every time he causes trouble, and he keeps his side clean, and vacuums, and is outgoing and funny, and he's just a really sweet guy.  So no matter what he does, I can't ever get really pissed at him.  Haha.  I'm just chalking it all up to experience =]  

Classes are pretty awesome.  Chinese is really fun, although I have my first character worksheets to do this weekend so that's probably gonna be a bitch.  I LOVE my Western Civ. teacher.  He's like this really dorky grad student with a great sense of humor.  But on top of that he's also really knowledgeable and I feel like I'm learning a ton in that class.  Got a 100 on the first quiz =]  LFIT....is kinda sucky.  Like it's not helping my body image any.  Also, the whole class is pretty much centered around losing weight, so it's really counterproductive for me.  But I don't think I would've done weightlifting though, cuz I would have been scared to do anything in front of those guys.

Music is going pretty well...I guess.  I got into the top chorus.  But the lowest band.  So that was weird.  But I kinda knew it was coming, after not practicing all summer there was no way in hell I could practice enough for the auditions without having my jaw kill me from the wisdom teeth stuff.  BUT, at my lessons, Prof. Smith seems to get very excited about my playing.  I guess he sees a lot of potential in my sound and playing which is good I guess.  Hopefully I can make a quick improvement and move up to Wind Ensemble next semester.  Studio Classes are pretty fun too, although I found out I have to play for the first time on my birthday.

And now the most important part of college.  Da boys.  Haha.  There are soooo many hotties here.  Like I can't walk anywhere without seeing at least 5 guys that make me stare.  The only problem is, the school is so big, there's no way to get up with these hotties.  They are just like ghosts that walk around the school but don't actually exist.  It's crazy.  I do have one prospect though and I'm going through my usual cycle which is not good.  I've met the kid once (at least it was in person) and I'm already obsessed with the idea of getting together with him.  Ugh not good.  But anyways, at least I have a way of getting to know him potentially unlike the other guys I crush on.  The other bad part is we don't actually know his orientation.  He seems pretty straight, but he doesn't have an interested in listed on facebook...which usually always means gay.  (Hey, I hate to make generalizations like that, but when over half of the 10% of the available dating population aren't fully out, it's a little bit necessary).  Fuuuck.  Now I'm getting really anxious to meet him and he's probably not going to like me or turn out to be straight.  Shit, why do I do this to myself.

Anyways, fun things at CTHRILL.  Basically just the fact that I get to do what I want when I want is amazing.  I've actually been practicing more which is good.  I hope that motivation keeps up, cuz it's still a long ass walk to the practice rooms.  I love going and just chilling in people's rooms even though you don't have anything to do or talk about.  Umm meeting new people has been a process.  I'm not doing very well with it haha.  It's definitely different from GSE.  I'm also having a hard time branching out from Enloe people.  I guess it's because I don't feel like there's anyone different that I know well enough to call and say "hey let's go eat" or something like that.  Maybe that will come later.  There was a wicked awesome concert last week to end the Week of Welcome.  Super Mash Bros.  It was redick.  Started out kinda slow cuz we were in the back of the crowd and no one was dancing, but as we pushed our way forward it just got more and more awesome.  I ended up being like 10 feet from the stage near the end of the concert.  Friggen amazing.  First football game today, so that should be fun.  Although I've heard that most people prefer to go to them drunk, which leads me into the not so fun parts of college.

I feel like I'm never going to meet anyone if I don't go to the frat parties and get drunk.  And also, even though I hate to admit it, I'm really attracted to the frat boy look.  The personality not that much.  Two fridays ago, I was sitting alone in my room at night because everyone I knew had gone out to one party or another.  They all either involved drinking or were with groups I didn't know (Larz's church) so basically I was out of luck.  It was one of the worst feelings ever to know that everyone was out doing stuff.  I mean I guess it's no different from home, but back there I could use the excuse "Oh my parents won't let me go out."  Now that there's nothing stopping me, I just feel like a total lamezoid.  So I've made the conscious decision to try to go to more parties.  Hopefully not wild and crazy frat parties, but something in between.  I still think I'm gonna stick to my policy of not drinking, but maybe I'll just act a little drunk so I can get to know people =]  Probably shouldn't make out with guys at frat parties though.  Apparently they aren't very accepting places.

Anyways, that's college in a nutshell.  Oh no wait, this is college in a nutshell. "Help, I'm in a nutshell.  How'd I get into this nutshell?  Help!"

 I feel so bad that I only really update this when I'm bored late at night...oh well.  It's just me that reads it so whatevs.  Haha.  Ummm, I had all this stuff I wanted to report on and the second I start writing, I can't remember any of it.  So I guess I'll just do the usual update.

Work is going pretty well.  It's not too hard, and I've gotten the hang of it.  The managers have been highly complementary of my work (that makes it sound like I'm an artist...) and I still haven't met anyone who is just a complete dick/bitch.  The only problem really seems to be the hours I am working.  At the moment, I'm only getting scheduled 3 nights a week.  So suddenly that 13 bucks an hour doesn't seem so appealing.  I need to find a way to get one of the other bus boys fired...

OMG.  I just had this amazing conversation on Omegle with a lady from Seattle.  After a few duds, I finally struck on someone I thought was nice.  She ended up being this really sweet young mom whose parents happened to be 2 of my three career choices (International Businessman and Doctor).  It was so interesting to see a real person just unfold before you eyes.  We must have talked for at least two hours.  I think I have just found a late night hobby.  Haha.

Anyways, I've been having a future crisis the past couple of days.  I think it's been caused by the lack of musical stimulation mostly, but I've started to wonder if I really want to pursue a career in music.  I don't know if I'm dedicated enough to practice the require amount.  Sure I love playing with orchestras and bands and I love getting better and playing hard pieces.  I just don't know if I'm dedicated enough for those days where I'll need to do 3 hours of tone or scales.  Anyways, my plan right now is to see how it goes first semester but have some backups ready just in case.  Right now I'm leaning towards pre-med but I don't know if I have what it takes to oust all those other highly competitive people.  Ugh.  When did life become so stressful.  I thought it would all be downhill once I got into college.  Or at least I would have some time to sort things out...

Dorm Life Season 2 ended on Saturday.  I was very sad to see the show end.  I don't think they're going to make a Season 3 because each season was a semester of Freshman year.  And it kinda ruins the premise of the show if they continue it into Sophomore year.  I just hope that the creators of Dorm Life come up with a new project that is as funny, inspiring, and heartwarming as this show was to me.  I am really excited about college now and I hope it can live up to my very high expectations.  And hopefully I'll be able to make it as exciting as possible.  =]

As for college stuff, I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled out in 3 weeks before college starts.  It's gonna be a bitch but hopefully there won't be any complications.  The doctor said I had a very run of the mill case and that it's usually easier for teenagers.  I have yet to get my immunization records to Carolina tho...so I need to get on that ASAP.  As for the roommate situation, I'm still a little bit nervous, but not in the sense I was expecting.  There is no part of me that believes that Stephen is gonna give me trouble for being gay.  I'm just worried now that I'm going to make him uncomfortable.  Every time I find something that I might like in my room, I find myself thinking "Will Stephen think it's too gay?  Will Stephen's friends think it's really gay?"  I dunno.  I feel that since we're sharing the space, I don't want to make it like flamboyant.  But I also don't want to sacrifice my own comfort.  I'll figure it out hopefully soon after we move in.  Ugh.  My suitemates are still really hot which is going to be a test of my self control.  Hopefully they aren't the type to walk around half naked all the time.  If my sex life continues the way it's going, I might actually jump one of them.  (PS If you guys are reading this, I won't actually jump you.  Chill. )  

Anyways, one last thing.  I know the Olympics were a long time ago, but I still consider Matthew Mitcham to be one of my role models.  Haha.  I was just googling him today for some reason.  He's so cute and humble and extremely self confident.  He's basically everything I want to be as a gay man.  I wish him and his partner Lachlan all the best!

Peace out girl scouts! 

 AP scores came illegally today!  Haha.  I didn't actually receive them in the mail, but UNC posted them on my student page as like "credits earned".  The only disconcerting part is that my other scores aren't on there.  I need to look into that....

Anyways, the grand totals!

World History- 5
Enviro- 5
English Language- 5
US History- 3
Calc AB- 4 (5 with BC subscore)
Music Theory- 5
English Lit- 4
Calc BC- 5

Yay!  I was so excited when I saw them.  I've been so nervous about these scores.  And the Calc is the most exciting because it was my way of proving to myself that I don't suck at Calculus.  Yay!  And I never have to take math again!  In other news, today was a rather exciting day.  I went to Bonefish again and the lady apologized about them turning me away yesterday.  I filled out some preliminary forms and I start my first official day of training (paid training =] ) tomorrow!  It feels good to have something occupying my time finally.  I'm also very excited to be making some money...but it would have been better if I could have worked all summer instead of just like half of it.  Oh well, I'll work during holidays and hopefully make enough to get me through the year.

I am still obsessing over Dorm Life and I am anxiously awaiting the next installment.  I don't know why college is so fascinating for me but I usually become obsessed with like all college related shows.  When College Life was on MTV, I like watched it religiously for awhile.  But then it got boring...hahah.  Cuz it was the same shit over and over.  That's what I love about the fake/realness of Dorm Life.  It's realistic but outlandish enough to be interesting.

One last thought.  I went to the gym today for the first time in awhile.  And not like I haven't been to the gym a lot, but I always go at like midnight/1am.  It was so weird going at like 5 in the afternoon and it served to remind me of why I go at 2am.  That place is a fucking zoo!  It would take me like twice as long to finish my workout routine if I had to wait on all those people.  And of course, just being around all those people who watch you is very disconcerting.  The only upside to going during the busy times is the cute guys.  I always see like the same 4 or 5 people when I go at night.  It's nice to see some hot jocks for once.  Especially college aged ones =].  I have also realized that I like older men.  Not like 30 year olds.  But like 24-25.  I guess that is the prime of a man's life...

Ugh I am so irritated right now at Bonefish.  Let's rack up the points.

1) Applied
2) Called because no one was calling back.
3) Applied again cuz they lost my first application
4) Called again cuz they still didn't call back
5) Called again to set up interview time.
6) Went in for an interview and 30+ minute standardized test type thing
7) Called cuz they still hadn't called back.  Told to come in.
8) Came in.  Turned away cuz no one knew what was going on (that was today)
9) Will have to come in tomorrow to talk to someone and get interviewed...again.

WTF!  Like seriously, they need to get their act together.  If I wasn't desperate for a job, I would totally bitch them out about this.  And if I don't get this job, I am going to rip someone's balls off.  It's absolutely disgraceful.

Ok.  In better news, at least I'm slightly closer to a job.  Maybe I'll actually be able to make some money this summer.

And in news that is actually better, I have discovered a new web show called Dorm Life.  It is the funniest shit I have ever seen.  If my college experience is half as fun as the show, I will be satisfied.  But I must say the most interesting part in the whole show is the homoerotic interaction between Shane (Jack DeSena) and the other guys, especially Gopher (who I think is hot).  Ok so embedded video:


 About like 6:30 in, there is a cute little interaction between Shane and Gopher.  It gets me every time.  There is some really touching stuff in the show about like friendships and jealousy and relationships.  It's not just a show for shits and giggles, although I do find myself laughing like 90 percent of the time.  Haha.

The show just makes me really excited about goin away.  I can't wait to have the freedom to do what I want, when I want.  Obviously I'm not going to become a wild child cuz that's just not in my blood, but I am hoping to loosen up a little.  Hopefully interact with the gay population a little bit more.  My roommate wants me to party with him at least a couple of times.  I think I might actually have to break my no drinking policy so I can down a couple of shots with him =]  We have been talking more and more trying to figure out what to bring, and the more we talk, the more excited I am about living with him.  He's a really nice guy and I'm sure it's gonna be a fun year *knock on wood*.

Ok so here's to hoping I get the job.  Watch Dorm Life on Hulu: updates every Monday!  I'm so excited about college. <3
 

Yea.  I guess I got so wrapped up in my angsty/emotional shit that I forgot to update about what's been going down haha.  Don't worry.  This is a markedly less bullshit filled post.   

So yesterday was Independence Day, and for the first time apparently, I decided to read the Declaration of Independence.  Wow.  What an awesome document.  I still can't believe I've never read the whole thing before.  I guess they only focus on like why it was written and stuff but I really think a lot of people should take another look at it.  Jefferson really knew his shit.  The fireworks were really cool but I must say, my favorite part of the whole spectacle was the symphony playing Harry Potter.  Yay.  It just makes me all happy on the inside.

Like I said in the last post, I have gotten into another fanfic mode.  Which isn't all bad.  I love fanfic and I love well written stories.  The only problem I really have with it is that a lot of the best stories are either incomplete or abandoned.  Sucks.  Cuz I love me some Harry/Cedric.  =]  I am also in the process of ordering a promo poster for the 6th movie.  I am so excited about it and I'm sure it will serve as the centerpiece of  my side of the dorm.  And don't even get me started about the movie.  I just about pee myself every time it's mentioned.  I am that excited.  I don't know what I'm going to do when the whole Harry Potter phenomenon is over.  Probably die a little inside.  And just read more fanfic....hahaha.

In other news, I had some ice cream today with one of my good friends from church.  She's from UNC-Charlotte and very active in their gay community.  It was really nice talking to her and it just made me more excited about being a homo at Carolina!  Also, she invited me to come stay at her apartment and go to Charlotte Pride with her.  Awesomeness.  I still haven't asked my parents about it, but I hope they'll let me go.  I'm deciding whether I need to tell them it's for Pride or if I'm just going to visit my friend.  Ugh.  I can't wait until I can do what I want.  The other thing I'm kinda nervous about is the drinking that's going to be going on.  I don't know if I'm ready to drink in that kind of situation.  I would rather not get caught for underage drinking.  Haha.  I think I'll wait until I'm with just my close friends in a dorm room to experiment with alcohol.  

Still on the lines of alcohol, my roommate also wants to party with me.  Haha.  It's nice that he's trying to like extend the gesture of friendship, but like he put it, I'm just "straight-laced".   Hahaha.  I never thought of myself that way since I curse like a sailor and have one of the dirtiest minds of anyone I know.  And I guess it's just cuz I'm so different from the conservative christian image that I don't see myself that way.  But I guess he has a point.  Anyways, I may go out and party with him at some point.  Definitely introduce him to some of my friends and get to know his, but for now at least, I'm going to stay away from the alcohol/party scene.

Not much else for news.  It's been a really boring summer.  Still no one hiring me.  Although I did have one interview.  But I don't think they liked that fact that I'm going off to college so soon.  Which is really their fault.  I could have worked an extra 2 weeks if they hadn't taken so long in making a friggen decision.  Ugh.  I'm just gonna be broke all next year. =[ 

2) I'm also in a stage of body crisis as well.  Once upon a time not too far in the past,  I was fairly happy with my body.  I could look in the mirror and think my clothes looked good.  My hair would behave 9/10 days and my smile didn't seem so crooked.  Now I find fault with everything.  My chest is too small, my waist is to flabby, my hips are too wide.  My teeth look awful.  In every picture I take, I don't want to smile because I know that one of my teeth will look like the friggen leaning tower of pisa.  And the bad thing is, I didn't start hating my body until I tried to improve it.  It wasn't until I started working out that I hated my shape.  And it wasn't until I thought about braces that I thought my teeth looked awful.  Even my skin looks red and blotchy now that I've started taking vitamins.  I just don't understand.  I'm tired of being on this roller coaster of confidence.  I keep telling myself that everything will be fine once I find a boyfriend.  Once I find someone who loves me the way I am and thinks I look hot all the time, then I will be able to love the way I look.  But I'm so scared I won't find that someone and I'll never be satisfied.  No matter how many times I hear "oh you're sweet, you'll find someone" or "I would date you if I was a guy", I still can't help but feel that it's my body thats holding me back.  I can't meet guys because they won't even give me a second glance.  To all those nameless faceless gay boys, I'm just that ugly skinny kid.  God I don't know what to do.  And I stay awake every night thinking about it.  I haven't slept 2 straight hours since I graduated.  I keep having nightmares about people at Carolina hating me or, worse, ignoring me.  And this whole time, I try to reason that I don't need to care what other people think and that I should concentrate on academics and flute since I obviously have a knack for them.  But it doesn't stop me from worrying and hating myself every time I look in a mirror.

God, why don't I just end the pity party now.  I'm so tired of feeling so shallow and depressed.  I know I'm better than that.  I don't need other people to make me feel better and I don't need to wallow in all this stupid nonsense. I had a much longer list, but I'm going to end it now cuz I can't find it in me to finish this without wanting to punch myself in the face.  I'm so torn between what I feel and what I know.  And on top of this, I just had a conversation with my parents about how pointless psychiatrists are.  Oh, the irony.

Ok so I just read over my last post to remember what I have and have not talked about.  There are some extremely bad grammatical errors.  Like not even the right words being used.  At first I thought I might have been tired cuz I usually type these things late at night, but it was 5 30 in the afternoon...what kinda drugs was I on?

Aaanyways, summer has been pretty boring so far.  I've been sitting around watching videos on hulu mostly.  The upside:  I discovered a new show, Kings, which I am in looooove with.  It is like one huge allegory and I dunno I just really like the premise and the characters.  It doesn't hurt that the prince is gay...So basically I watched all the episodes to get caught up and then waited for the new episode on Saturday haha.  And the downside of hulu: I have currently watched 106 episodes of Naruto.  It is an absolutely terrible anime haha.  There is so much time wasted on like "OMG LETS STATE THE OBVIOUS" *flash to Naruto's stunned gasped, then Sakura's wide eyed stare, then Lee's awkwardness!*  It get's really irritating after awhile and I usually end up doing other things online while watching the show.  If I hear a bunch of wooshing then I know a battle has broken out and I start watching again.  (btw it's all in Japanese w/ subs so when I'm not watching I can't understand a thing.  And still I find I don't miss anything important).  Seriously, if they just cut out all the unnecessary filler, they could have like 40 AMAZING episodes.  Oh well, I'm almost done with the videos, so I won't be uber dorky for much longer.

I've been practicing a lot lately, like 2 hours a day for the past week (actually I broke that streak today =] )  Anyways, I had my first practice session about two days ago where my mouth actually hurt.  I guess that's a good thing.  I was getting a pretty good sound so my lips must have been in the right place.  So hopefully my muscles are getting stronger and more flexible.  I looked at the DVD of my senior recital for the first time and I was thoroughly unimpressed.  I thought I had sung really well, but on the DVD it sounds swallowed and amateur.  And the flute playing is horrendous.  I shouldn't have ever watched the DVD in the first place.  But I was trying to make copies of the damned thing and convert it so it could be on facebook.  I have no idea what I'm doing with all this computer stuff.  I'm gonna need Susan's help.  I ended up like wasting all this time converting a video and it ended up with no sound.  Which for a recital is kinda the most important thing.  Ugh.  I hope I get a lot better at Carolina cuz I  hate the way I play now.

Speaking of muscles, I'm finally on a semi schedule at the gym.  I've got this whole four day thing with 2 days of legs and 2 days of upper body.  Usually I skip the leg stuff haha.  It's so hard to sneak out at midnight and I really just don't care about my legs all that much.  Fortunately, I have stuck with the upper body workout for 2 weeks and I can see a little bit of change.  Hopefully by the time I leave for Carolina, I'll be a little less scrawny.

I guess the next thing would be my new roommate.  I got in contact with him a couple of days ago.  He seems really chill.  I'm not sure how well we're going to get along in person though.  He's a real mans-man.  A jock, mild partier, preppy-ish.  We actually kinda exact opposites.  Haha.  The good news is, he got debriefed on the whole gay thing, so it was really easy to come out to him.  He's chill with it, but I got the feeling he might take awhile to get used to living with a homo.  I'm also not really sure about the dorm situation cuz he's all for buying an A/C unit and like a giant TV.  I dunno, I guess I'm really stingy but I don't really want any of that stuff.  If he really wants it, he can get it himself.  I was just gonna settle for a fan and internet video.  Haha.  Other good dorm news, I was searching the UNC facebook group under the discussion group for my dorm.  Basically, it's just everyone saying what room they're in to figure out who the suitemates are.  Well long story short, I found out I'm neighbors with a girl I know from GSE (therefore we can't be in the same suite but we have consecutive room numbers).  From that, I took a stab at what rooms were in my suite.  And lo and behold, two hotties from CTOPS are in my suite.  Hahah.  In fact, one of them was the first hot guy I saw there (well second, after the cutie who checked us in).  I know I shouldn't be a creeper but I am really excited.  They just seemed like really outgoing, fun guys.  Of course, they could end up being total dicks.  But I'm just gonna keep my fingers crossed =]

My next task is going to be a mass transfer of a shitload of files from our old desktop.  Actually, it probably isn't that much.  The hardest part was iTunes, which I did like the first night I had my mac.  Now I've just got my bookmarks and a couple of word files.  Maybe some pictures...I dunno.

I suppose the biggest news is my interview on Tuesday at Bonefish.  I've called them multiple times and submitted my application twice (they lost it the first time) and I finally got an appointment scheduled.  The only problem is that I had to outright lie to the guy and tell him it's not just a summer job.  There is no way in hell I could continue this job while I'm at Carolina.  I feel bad lying to him, but it's not a complete lie.  I would be happy to work breaks and holidays.  They probably won't like that excuse tho...haha.  Oh well, I've lost all sense of right and wrong after being turned down by 14 other jobs, including Suckway.  What bitches.

That's all for now.  These summer updates are going to be extremely boring.  Haha...maybe cuz I'm extremely boring? 

Umm my grandma went into the hospital for a stroke.  Don't remember if I mentioned that.  She's doing well and recovering very fast.  Luckily she was able to recover just enough in time to make it to my recital.  It was a rough day for her because she had to be shuttled to and from the hospital but I was so happy she could make it.  She'll be moving into an outside rehab center sometime this week so I hope her progress continues to go as well as it has.

Quite possibly the most exciting news, I am now a high school graduate =]  I have the diploma and everything to prove it.  Aaaand I managed to pull out C's in both Calc and English.  Calc was a bear because I still didn't do all my homework, but I managed to get such high scores on the tests that I ended up with a good grade for 4th quarter.  I also got one of the highest grades in the class on the exam, which still ended up being a B.  So all in all, I am very proud of that grade.  English...I guess I'm not so proud of.  It was such an easy class and there really wasn't a reason to have a D for 3 quarters.  But in the end, I pulled everything up with an A 4th quarter and an A on the exam.  Hopefully, the motivation I had towards the end of the year will carry over to Carolina.

Graduating in itself is just such a weird experience.  I still haven't grasped the fact that I will never have to go back to Enloe again if I don't feel like it.  It also hasn't hit me that there are people I might never see again.  Of course, there are those couple of people where I was counting down the days until we parted...But I'm so scared that I'm gonna lose touch with some of my really good friends.  But I suppose if I really care about them, I will find a way.  And I'll make tons of new friends at Carolina.

Finally, I went to Carolina last week for CTOPS, the freshman orientation.  It was pretty boring.  Lots of lectures on drugs and diversity and shit.  All leading up to the only really major thing, signing up for classes.  I ended up with a pretty good first semester.  I got into my Chinese course and the LFit course I wanted.  My history course, although it wasn't one of my top choices, seems really interesting so now I'm just praying that I got a good teacher.  The most awkward thing about CTOPS was knowing where to draw the line.  Upon arrival it felt almost like Governor's School so I was quick to apply the same set of rules.  I almost had a heart attack walking down the girl's hall to my friends room.  My friends told me that CTOPS was just like college so I could do whatever I wanted, but I still felt like CTOPS was a little more strict.  Oh well, I didn't get caught and I only got a couple of weird looks walking through the front lounge full of OLs at  midnight. =]

I also got my new roomy assignment.  The assignments got leaked about a week ago before they were official so at that point I had this guy from Ohio.  When the official rooms came out, I had moved on room over in the same dorm, still didn't have A/C, and had a new guy.  He just friended me on facebook and he looks like a really cool guy.  He's from around this area so at least we have that in common.  We see out it goes.  Hopefully we won't end up hating each other by the end of the year =]

Ok, that's all.  I'll try to update more especially now that I have computer access whenever and wherever I want!  Peace! 

This has been like a media overload weekend for me.  I'm supposed to be writing an essay for English, but I've decided that I like doing this more.  Haha.  In the movie department, I watched a couple of really great gay films.  Breakfast with Scot was sooo cute and the little flamboyant kid was extremely entertaining.  And of course, the heartwarming ending made me want a kid again.  I hope I meet a great guy so we can be great fathers together.  The next movie, Between Love and Goodbye, is a newer film.  I chose it at first because the guys on the cover looked hot haha.  The movie ended up being really good anyways, even though the ending was kinda lame and cliche.  Also, only one of the guys into up being hot.  He was French and had the hottest face ever and of course the accent always gets me riled up.  The interesting part of the movie was that, unlike most gay films, the plot focused on the falling out and break up of the two boys instead of the romantic getting together.  There were flashbacks about how they met and whatnot, but overall it was about all the fighting and conflicts.  The tranny sister pissed me off so much.

In the writing/speech department, I listened to JK Rowling's commencement speech at Harvard last year.  Absolutely amazing.  She has this wonderful way with words and I think if anyone ever tries to argue that Stephanie Meyer is better than JK, I will show them that speech.  That Twatlight bitch can't speak anywhere near as eloquently as that.  It was really moving and I hope that my college commencement has a speaker that awesome.

And finally, in the music department, I have been obsessed with Katy Perry's Waking Up in Vegas.  I don't know why I like it that much, because it's not all that complicated.  But it just makes me really happy inside.  Maybe it's just because I like Katy so much.  She seems like she has such an awesome personality.  I also like the fact that she can act in her video.  Eh, I dunno.  The mysterious power of music I suppose.  Might be an interesting topic for a dissertation.

7 DAYS LEFT!  Yaaaaaay!  Can't wait for everything to be over.  I'm so nervous about my recitals.  I'm sick now so I haven't had any time to practice for them.  I hope it'll be ok.  I don't want to suck infront of like 100 people.  Haha.

I'm so excited about college.  They finally posted the Class of '13 first year guide so, like a true dork, I have been trying to figure out what classes I want to take next year.  It's really hard to figure all this shit out.  The General Education requirements are redick confusing so I'm not actually sure what classes I need to take.  Luckily orientation is in like a week so my counselor will be able to help me with all this stuff.

Actually the biggest problem I'm having is deciding which language I want to take.  I crossed out other romance languages cuz I just got kinda tired of them.  So now the choice is either between continuing French, Chinese, and Japanese.  I really don't want to do French but it would be easier since I already know a little of it and it's an easier language.  I like Chinese more than Japanese because it sounds more pleasing and it would be easier to practice cuz I have like a gajillion chinese friends.  Japanese on the other hand, is more practical for flute stuff and is slightly less difficult (cuz it doesn't use tones), but I would have to practice it via anime.  Also, I'm kinda scared off by the kind of people that take Japanese...

Anyways, if that's my biggest problem than I am set =]  I finished my two hardest AP's this week, Calc and English.  The Calc one I think I did ok on.  I left one of the free response completely blank so I think I'll probs end up with a 4 again.  English...I dunno.  I think I did well on the Reading like always, but the writing was kinda bad.  My first essay was kinda beast but I spent so much time on it that the other two were crappy.  Also, the analysis of a novel essay was about symbolism.  So I wrote about The Great Gatsby.  Cliche much?  Haha.  Oh well, I don't really care.  I'm going to take English 102 anyways even if I place out of it.  I just need a real English class for once.  Music Theory is tomorrow, so it's probably really bad that I'm up at midnight typing this...but oh well.  Once again, I don't get credit for it so I don't really give a damn.

So mah grades are kinda weird now.  I don't know what I have in English cuz we haven't really done anything this quarter.  It's probs another D tho so I need to work on that.  BUT, in Calculus,  I have a 100 TEST AVERAGE BITCHES!!!!  Haha.  I should have tried the rest of the year...Also, I don't know how my homework grade is going to affect that because I turned in a lot of stuff late.  Even though I'm really upset that my senior exemptions are screwed, I really need the exam grades to boost my averages.  I'm praying I can pull out a B in Calc.  That would make my year.  English, I'm praying for a C haha.  

I talked to Mary one day at school (long story short, I was skipping while she was working with the flutes in symphonic band.  Awwwwkward class change) and so I'm hoping to schedule at least one lesson before my recital.  We don't really have money for more than 1 lesson but she said she could find a way to work something out.  I really need to find a job so I can pay for lessons over the summer.  I'm trying to practice more to get ready for my recital.  At this point, I'm really regretting the decision to do one.  Ugh. 

I also talked to my old flute teacher on the phone today.  It was kinda awkward but nice at the same time.  She moved so I have to locate her new house to go pick up some music tomorrow afternoon.  But while we were talking, she reminded me that her nephew is at UNC.  This is the same nephew that was at her house when I had a lesson like a year back.  I looked like complete shit and I almost peed myself cuz he was really hot, and suave, and oh so delicious.  Apparently he's kinda a dick now.  But oh well, he's probs straight anyways.

Ugh.  I really should go to bed.  I have to get up and shave in the morning.  Until next time...peace, I'm out.

Prom was AAAAAMAZING.  Dinner was fantastic.  The dancing was a huge adrenaline rush.  The after party was splendidly relaxed and alcohol free.  I couldn't have asked for a better senior prom.  It wasn't until the next day after I had recovered for the severe lack of sleep that all the memories came flooding back.  For all I rap on high school, it really has been a great 4 years.  I've discovered more about myself than I ever thought possible but I never compromised my personality or my morals.  I can't help but get a little teary thinking about all my friends and all the great moments we experienced together.  =]  I love all you guys (even though you won't read this) and I'll be sure to tell you so in the next couple of weeks.

The official countdown until final exam week is 21 days!  woot

AP exams start next week.  I am freaking out.  I haven't started studying for any of them.  I really need to be doing calculus right now before I head off to my rehearsal.  Everyday until next Tuesday, I have

OK SO !  I actually tried to write all that yesterday and never finished haha.  I missed my rehearsal cuz I thought it was at 7 30 but it was at 7.  I still have Calc exams and I'm not doing a very good job with keeping up with my math homework.  Blah.  Calculus is just boring and I'm really slow.  Like I get everything eventually without help but I have to stare at it a long time.  I hope I do well on the exam though because I really want to place out of some classes.  I'm still scared they're going to retract admission because I have a D in English.

Right now I should be studying/practicing but I keep listening to this video of a piano player who went to our school.  Talented people amaze me.  Like she is professional level quality.  It's amazing.  And the piece is all asian-y and pretty and pentatonic.  Yesterday I got stuck on a video of a dancer from our school who is going to Julliard.  I hope I can get in there for grad school but I'm not really sure.  If my learning curve is really as great as teachers have told me, then I hope I have a shot.  I'm just so far behind and I don't know if I can practice enough in 4 years to get that good.  But yea.  I am amazed at the talent that comes from our school.  Even with all the stupid administrators and nationwide budget cuts, the arts still seem to flourish.  =]

I have a voice lesson in less than an hour.  I had to switch because of my concert tomorrow.  What I was trying to say earlier is that I have a rehearsal/concert every day until next Tuesday.  That sucks a butt-ton.  Ugh but after my lesson I have to drive all the way to Durham in like 45 minutes (I hope there aren't any cops).  I'm really excited to sing in Duke Chapel though.  Umm...I feel bad for missing the rehearsal yesterday because it was our only one in Meymandi and I happen to have been placed on the lower level.  The sucky part about that is, they put me on the lower level because I said I could be there both nights.  But it turns out I have a band concert friday...woo.  I would much rather be singing with the master chorale.

The only good news today is that I'm turning in my 30 days notice to my voice teacher so I will officially be done with voice lessons.  I like singing and all, but the lessons were a pain in the butt and I rarely got anything out of them  They were also uber expensive so it'll be good for the family that we don't have that monthly expense anymore.  I also feel bad cuz we're kinda low on money and I haven't had a flute lesson in awhile.  I really need one before my senior recital but I don't know where to get the money.  I also feel like I need to practice alot before I go to that lesson so it won't seem like I've gotten worse.

I guess I'll try to go to the gym tonight.  God knows if I'll make it.  I'll probs be dead tired.  But yesterday I tried to go swimming and I barely made it 10 laps.  There were also cute guys there so I kept feeling embarrassed.  Fuck.  I wish  I had just eaten more as a kid or chosen like soccer over music.  I hate being ugly but I'm too shy to do anything about it.

I guess I'm in a greenish mood for posting.  It is spring after all.  The weather is finally starting to get better as everything comes to a close in my senior year.  AP exams are in like 2 weeks and I haven't even started studying am hitting the books diligently every night!  The good news is, I'm doing extremely well on our Calc practice tests (a 96 average =] ) so I think I'm hopefully set for the exam.  I'm still not really paying attention in that class though...same goes for English.  I still have a D in English so I don't know how I'm gonna show my mom my 3rd quarter report card.  I can't wait to get to college where they won't know how I'm doing unless I flunk out.  Haha.

Speaking of college, I am getting so geared up.  I'm applying for my summer job right now so I can help pay for all those college necessities: late night pizza, flute music, sex bribery money.....oooor not.  Haha.  Michael was saying that I'm going to end up as a slut at Carolina because there is apparently a very large gay population.  Hopefully I'm either too shy or too morally anal to do anything like that haha.  I really just want a guy to cuddle with tho.  I'm not really looking for sex at the moment.

Oh!  That reminds me of another topic.  I had this guy touch me today on like my inner thigh region, pretty close to mah danger zone.  He's a pretty hot guy, but he's dating someone.  He's def. straight btdubs.  Anyways, it was the first time in forever that I've been touched by a hot guy and I must say I jumped a little in shock.  My pulse shot up and I got really nervous afterwards.  The good thing is, I know for sure that I'm gay now =]  He and Larz were touching me in different places to prove a point about something else and even though I love Larz to death, her touches just didn't get me as worked up.  Haha.  It was a pretty exciting afternoon overall.

Back to college now.  Sorry I'm jumping all over the place.  Umm..I took my French placement exam online yesterday.  It was realllly hard but it was all multiple choice.  I kept having like little snippits of French jump into my head after 2 years of not taking a class and I guess it was enough for me to make educated guesses.  I was place in 203 which is like the intermediate level.  I think I'm gonna drop down one level though because it's easy to guess on multiple choice but not when you have to write an essay in French.  Besides, the next class down is recommended for students who have had a gap in their foreign language education.  The really sad thing- I was only 4 points away  from being in the next class above 203 haha.  And its like 200 point ranges for each class.

We got these things in class today about scholarships and stuff.  It was like a survey or something.  Apparently the county wants to know how much money our school got from merit scholarships and stuff.  Usually we get in the __teen millions but me and some others are hoping we do horribly worse this year.  Hopefully it will get the attention of the schoolboard and show them how bad things are really getting in the education system.  The survey also pissed me off because, being an intended music major, I got absolutely no money.  No one I know did.  The music department's funds were apparently dried up because of the economy and they needed to spend what little funds they had on more needed instruments/more needy students.  It sucks being middle class and white.    And on top of that, this girl is getting a full ride to Carolina.  She's kind of a stuck up snob and I wondering if she only got the scholarships because her family is well connected.  She's already rich to start with as well.

I haven't really been thinking about my fav. German couple in awhile.  I just saw the picture on my screen.   I guess I should change it.  Right now my obsessions have switched over to Cedric based slashy fanfiction.  Hahah.  I can't believe I'm back in slash mode but it makes me sooooo happy.  I've been mulling it over and I think the reason fanfiction has such an effect on me is because there isn't much media out today that portrays gay romance.  Not good media at least.  Like some of the fics I read, if they wouldn't break copyright laws in the process, could be printed as novels and probably make it to some kind of bestseller list.  (I doubt they could make the big lists because gay themes aren't exactly popular with the majority).  I am an extremely romantic person and I like all the witty banter and stolen kisses.  This one fic I just read was a Cedric/Viktor and it had Viktor wrapping himself and Ced in his big furry parka while they were sitting out in the gold.  I smile just thinking about it.  I hate that I'm so desperate to feel these feelings and share them someone else.  The bad news is, I have wasted so much time reading fics.  I wouldn't exactly call it wasted time though, because reading anything still exercises the brain....but I haven't gotten anything I'm supposed to done.  Haha.  I walk around in a daze all day thinking about romantic meetings between Cedric and Harry in the always or Ced and Oliver Wood on the quidditch pitch.  God I am such a dork =]

And finally in this barrage of info- I got a 5 on my practice Music Theory exam.  Yay.  Aaaaand PROM IS ON SATURDAY!  I'm so excited just because it's my senior prom.  It's like a momentous occassion even though I know the music will be bad and I'm gonna be an awkward dancer.  It's just nice to hang out with friends and revel the in the last few days of our high school career. =] YAAAAY!

And so in the words of one of my favorite fic writers, finite incantatem.

I am officially registered for freshman orientation next year!  woot.  I also signed up for a texting alert thing for the campus, so like if someone is armed and dangerous or whatever, they just send out a mass text.  I just know that before the year is over, something is going to happen and I'm going to get a text saying "MASS MURDERER ON CAMPUS!" and freak out before remembering...oh I'm not actually in college yet.  

I most def. have a B for 3rd quarter in Calc.  It is a very high B tho so I hope it can still pull up my final grade to a low B.  5 hour energy came to my rescue and I got a 95 on our last test!  =]  English...not so much.  But the teacher's really slack so I'm planning on just turning in a bunch of late work on Monday.

Ugh.  This was the week from hell.  I had musical rehearsal monday and tuesday which always sucks.  We only have like 6 rehearsals left and no one knows the music.  The actors are still asking for lines.  I blame it all on Hunter cuz he has cancelled so many rehearsals even though we didn't have that many to start with.  Anyways, wednesday I had a migraine, missed school and had to go to my voice lesson which sucked.  Then I came back thursday and had to take a math test that I wasn't prepared for.  And today, I got that weird digestion problem I have.  Nasty tasting burps and lots of throwing up.

( Sordid details )

 I feel really fat today for some reason.  I haven't been able to get to the gym in forever.  It's been a really busy week.  OH!  i forgot.  Wind Ensemble went to festival yesterday night and got a 2 (1 being highest on a scale of 1-5).  I wasn't really expecting any higher but it just made it feel like it was that much more of a waste of time.  Hunter tried to tell us it was an awesome concert...blah blah "I'm such and awesome director" shit.  He talked for like 10 minutes and we were all tired and ready to go home.  I didn't get to eat until like 9 30 which is probably why I was so sick today.  

  I'm so ready for college.  Ready to leave all this crap behind.  And I'm so glad that my senior picture turned out well, because I only bought one yearbook in my 4 years, and it was this year.  So at least I won't have to skip the page with my picture every time I wanna remember the bad times.  Haha.  

I'm actually kind of freaking out because I'm not sure if Carolina is Mac compatible/if I really want to spend that much.  I think I may just end up getting a regular black macbook because the new ones are so expensive.  And really the only difference is the appearance.  They are both going to have all the new software and whatnot.  I'm just hoping I get a scholarship from band or something to help pay for it.

Still single and no prospects.
 

So yesterday was a day of concert going.  I got called by mah friend Sarah earlier this week to go to her friend's school musical type thing.  It was a 70's version of A Midsummer Night's Dream and it was really cute.  Some really funny parts and there were def some really good singers in the program.  Before I left for that at like 3, Rachel called and wanted to know if I could go see the Triangle Brass Band play downtown.  I wasn't sure if I was ready for two concerts in one day but I'm so glad I went.  They had this awesome Euph player, Demondrae Thurman.  Bitchin name right?  He was aaamazing.  I didn't know you could do that kind of stuff on a euphonium.  I def. have a new appreciation for the instrument, especially since I played it in marching band for two years.  The brass band was amazing too.  I just love the power that comes out of that group.  But of course, the most interesting part of the day was the after party.  haha.

After the TBB concert, Rachel and I decided to go get icecream at this place downtown called Turkish Delights.  I love this place.  They have icecream, baklava, other baked goods (I love their mini apple pies) and of course their namesake.  And the ladies who own it are so sweet.  So we leave the concert hall intending to make a U-turn around the hall because downtown areas are always full of one way streets.  I'm just sitting there scrolling through the iPod looking for some tunes when I hear Rachel say "Why are the arrows coming at me?"  I look up and we are going straight towards a bunch of cars that are stopped at a stoplight.  Luckily nothing was coming immediately at us.  I guess Rachel had assumed we were going on a one way street and her left turn put us in the lane of oncoming traffic.  Of course she rectified her mistake with an "OH CRAP" and some excellent merging and we were safely on our way.  Haha.  But it was quite possibly the funniest moment I've experienced in awhile.  We also met up with Jaime and Zach at the icecream place and it was fun catching up with her since she's been away at college.

I think I might try to dig out my lacrosse stick and enjoy the last hour or so of daylight =]

OH! A drunk guy also hit on Rachel while we were driving.  Haha.  He was cute for a drunk guy.

Today, I've been spending a lot of time looking for ways to spiff up my dorm room.  I don't want it to be boring like it was at Gov School.  I mean, I wasn't about to go lugging a fridge and posters around for a 6 week stay, but now I need to figure out what to do.  My room now is only interesting because it's painted.  I guess I can get a lot of pictures or something and some music posters...maybe some plants. Ugh.  My biggest fear is that I'm going to either get a slob or some boring guy who doesn't decorate his side at all.  Cuz I don't want my side to be "OMG GAY!" and his to be monochromatic.  But I think if I had to choose, I would rather having boring than messy.

It's so beautiful out today.  It feels like spring is finally starting.  Unfortunately, I haven't really taken advantage of the beautiful weather like I should.  I think it's cuz all my friends are busy this weekend.

I also really need to get a job to pay for my future dorm expenditures and college life in general.  The Minister of Music at the church I got payed to play at either resigned or was fired.  I thought he was doing a good job so I don't thing the latter is a viable option.  But now it just makes me wonder what would make him quit; From what I can tell, he doesn't have another job lined up at the moment.  Anyways, I am without a source of income now, even tho that job only payed like 70 bucks every three months or so.  I can't really get a real job tho, cuz we start full time musical rehearsals on Friday.  I feel like I've talked about this before...oh well.

UGH.  I hate school so much.  I went back on Tuesday after all the snow melted, and hadn't finished my English project.  Even with the whole extra day.  Haha.  So I was scrambling to throw together something during the school day, didn't finish, and got to 8th period to find out the teacher wasn't there.  Grrr.  But I did get it done and turned it in Wednesday.  Complete and utter shit but I'm sure my definition of shit is considered an A by most teachers.  Haha.  So Wednesday was full of stress and chaos but in a true week from hell style, it just got worse on Thursday.  Totally bombed a math test that I couldn't afford to do badly on.  And the sad thing was, I had no control over it.  I studied and did all my homework.  The dumbass teacher just puts too many friggen problems on his tests.  And, of course, it's stuff we've never seen before.  I hate teachers who go by the "If you learned all the concepts, then you should be able to apply them to this new problem!"  Yea dumbass, I can.  Just not on 10 friggen problems in 45 minutes.

So school is shit, and the only reprieves I have from that are flute and going to the gym.  But of course one of them has to be fucked up. =P  My left leg has been killing me lately, especially after running on the treadmill.  I don't know if I run wrong or if I'm just not fit enough to be running for 30 minutes.  It feels a little better now, so I guess I'll just keep running and hope it gets better.  Great philosophy, right?  I actually don't need to be running at all.  I don't need to lose the very little fat I have on me now.  Haha.  I'm trying to gain muscle, but I'm so self-conscious and I can't work out when all of these buff guys are like doing massive weights right beside me.  So it's either run with my gal pals, or come really late at night.  And it's cold at night.  And my bed is warm.  You see my delimma.  Haha.  Ugh I just wish I wasn't such a skinny freak.

But the week hasn't been all bad.  We finished Shosti 5 in Music Theory (amaaaaazing) and started Tristan und Isolde, the Wagner opera.  It is sooo good.  But now I'm looking for a better recording to listen to on my own, because the Isolde in my teacher's recording has a wonky voice.  lolz.  I think there is one with Kirsten Flagstad. Simple math: Opera + Kirsten = orgasmic.

Ok so enough rambling for today...oh god this just changed colors.  Fuck.  Oh well I'm too lazy to change it.  Happy Super Beautiful Weather Weekend!
 

OK so for some  reason I was able to pluck up the courage to post on this old gay teen forum I used to go to, Chadzboyz.  I haven't said anything on there in like 3 years and I've just been lurking in the background occasionally looking at the picture thread for hott guys.  Haha.  It's really weird because it feels like I'm coming back home or something after a long trip because everything seems different but in essence it's all the same.  I was sad because all my old posts (all 25 XD) had been deleted after all these years.  Anyways, the reason why this site deserves a post is because it was the push I needed to come out to my friends and family.  I went on there back in Feb. 2005 and lurked around, made a new friend, Peach, and basically after talking to him for a week, I broke down and cried over IM.  He was fantastically supportive and he helped guide me into doing what needed to be done.  Unfortunately, he doesn't log onto Chadzboyz anymore either.  So Peach, if you ever miraculously find this site, I just wanted to give you a big hug.  And I hope all that working out you were doing when we last talked has payed off for you!

Umm, more about Chadz- Way back when, Peach asked me and my other friend Galvy to start blogs that could be linked to the Chadzboyz website.  The link to mine is still there: A Twig's Tale.  Haha.  It doesn't go anywhere cuz I deleted that stuff a long time ago, but it was nice to know that I played an important role in the site.  Also, I tried getting into posting again, but it feels really weird; It's almost the same feeling I get going back to church for the first time in like 8 months.  Everyone there knows each other and is friendly and quirky and cute.  It may just be that I'm not an internet dork, but I feel like Chadzboyz has moved on and forgotten me.  Of course, they never really knew me cuz I wasn't ever an avid poster haha.  And making those first couple of posts and getting to know each other is the hardest part especially when you're trying to nudge back in to such a close community.